THE JOURNEY - February 2014

Date: 02/17/2014

Feeling: embarrassed and upset with myself

Weight: ##2

Measurements: haven't gotten that far just yet

 

HOW I FEEL

So..... the end of the month last month kinda reallllllllly hit me hard.... I had a pretty intense visit from Aunt Flo -  I was hit with major, major cravings towards the end of January and beginning of February. On top of that we have had snow, snow and more snow and for whatever reason, it throws me off. I suppose its the same thing that makes everyone need to stock up on water and toilet paper, it makes me eat crap and want to cook.

So, we shall say that I have been off the diet since the beginning of February. I officially started back today 02/18/2014.

....sigh....

One thing I noticed last time I did this diet was I always felt STARVED. I realize this is par for the course as this time I've felt the same way. Literally, always starving. I made a note that on 01/14 I had about a cup of mixed nuts for breakfast, a cup of coffee and a bottle of water. For lunch I had leftover roast beef - like 5 thick slices of it, about a half serving of steamed cauliflower, a pickled egg and 2 giant pickle sized cucumbers. I drank 2 bottles of water. There is no reason I should feel so hungry when I'm eating like that! Normally, this would stuff me! Why is it, an hour later, my stomach is literally growling?

I researched it a bit, seems a lot of people have this issue. You are supposed to add more fat to your diet and eat more.

I can do that.... it just costs more and takes a bit more planning...

I need to plan on snacks more.

I assume this will happen again now that I have started it back up - I want to see if after another month this feeling goes away a bit - I don't really remember from last time, especially considering I became pregnant just under 2 months into the lifestyle. But as of now, I know I get pretty effing hungry!!!!!!!! I will say that before I was whacked with PMS and fell off the wagon, I did FEEL lighter. Maybe less water weight? I remember I felt CLEANER on the inside last time I ate this way, and I felt that way again, it's part of the light feeling - everything feels lighter and clearer - hair, insides, body, skin..... it really is a very noticeable result when you begin to eat clean and do away with the processed foods.

Another thing I am feeling - right this moment in fact - is a lot of pain, muscle soreness and achiness in my lower stomach. I had Rilee a year ago. I was already overweight when I got pregnant with her and only gained 20lbs. My stomach did grow quite a bit. I really think I have some muscle separation and tearing. A result of being overweight, PCOS causing fat accumulation in the mid-section, poor muscle tone and being pregnant left me with a pretty terrible lower belly that I am so self conscious and embarrassed of. There is no way to hide it - even if I wore a girdle there is nothing I can do. But, besides it looking terrible, it actually hurts... the muscles are just not there. If you push on my lower belly it is so, so sore.

So, I am going to really try and work in some core strength training. Not only will tightening up these muscles help with losing a few inches, but I know my back will feel better, I will look thinner and my stomach won't literally hurt.

HOW I LOOK

fat. duh. 

PROUD MOMENTS!

 nothing really.... lol I realllly sucked so far.

NOT SO PROUD MOMENTS.....

BEFORE I totally fell off the wagon I had bites... here and there.... lots of stupid, pointless DUMB bites of food. I have two kids, one loves mac and cheese and one loves grilled cheese....... husband hates cheese and won't cook with it - so I have to. Which of course means I have to taste it and check it for poison.......

Ugh.

Good thing I can start over!



If you have to look through another persons eyes to see what a P.O.S you are, then so be it - just make sure to actually look.

(spell check broke before I published this - so get over the spelling mistakes now, please :) lol)

This blog (linked below) post went viral, all over FB, I even shared it on my own page.

It's really a great post, very well written in that it's the writers personal account and her real-life scenario that makes it so easy for us to relate to (instead of finger pointing and advice/opinions wrapped in good intentions from a mom who has it all together or even worse, someone who doesn't even have kids).

When you read about the going-ons in someones life that sound exactly like what goes on in your home, its easy to relate to and is comforting to know - you are not alone. I've become a frequent reader of her blog now and encourage you to check out the original post below.

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/12/10/the-bully-too-close-to-home/bully-too-close-to-home-hands-free-mama/

Whats funny about having read that post on FB is that I had this blog post started and saved to complete.

You see, I've been doing a bit of my own reflecting, prior to reading that excellent post.

My brothers called what I have been doing self-defeating and self-bashing, but I call it reflecting, damnit.

Hm, how do I set this stage......Crap happens in life and in relationships, that's really the best way I can vaguely give some background into what led me to start thinking this way. So, a bunch of crap happened and somewhere between then and now I also went back to my old job. A bunch of crap is what got me reflecting on my life in general and then going back to my old job is what made me take a look at myself through others eyes - similar to what the linked blog eludes to.

I went back to my old job after having left for a little over a year. I left because I felt very defeated and insecure. You see, I have a very A-type boss who is very good at what she does and well, I don't have an A-type bone in my body and do pretty much everything pretty half-assed. I'm pretty stubborn and pretty insecure (much to my surprise.....) I like to procrastinate and do things/work for other people instead of my own things/work - I like avoidance and I like praise from others since I never applaud MYSELF for a job well done. I like to say I have the best of intentions with things I say and do and become pretty damn defensive when my procrastination and avoidance and praise-seeking ways backfire in my face.

ugh, I annoy myself.

When I was here the first time around, I was a green little machine - soaking up the knowledge she so incredibly dished out and was learning the ropes of the industry. Mistakes were going to happen, that is how I would learn and she even told me it would be 12-18 months before she felt I would have earned my wings and would be educated enough to be an agent. Wonderful, hardcore teaching and learning going on there. However, 5 years down the line when I kept hearing the SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN and not understanding how to fix it and then becoming really defensive of it, I ran away to the first charming agent who swept me out of my chair and reassured me that I was a good agent worthy of praise.

I was constantly told to SLOW DOWN. I was told to focus. I was told to do my work.

I think and talk and act a mile a minute. It's how I live my life. I am constantly on natural speed. (NATURAL - I do not take speed, Lord help me if I ever did.....)

How was I supposed to slow down. It's just how I am. I couldn't get it through my head - which explains why I can't focus, DUH. So I naturally defended it - I am a mother with a 120 mile commute each DAY and a clock I'm trying to race with a million and one things to do and no help and I am freaking doing the best I effing can damnit and don't tell me to slow down how the hell am I supposed to SLOW DOWN??????????????????????????????????????????????????? (I defended it just like that, out of breath and run-on sentences and all, it's how I roll)

So I got sick of hearing it because I couldn't figure out how to do it. And I got sick of little mistakes being pointed out - didn't she see the big picture here? Who cares about this oversight or 'little' mistake, I commute so long to be here and I help out with stuff no one else wants to do, really, you are going to point this mistake out???? - and so, I left. I thought I was leaving to prove to myself that I was a good agent and knew what I was doing.

I later (as in like a week ago) realized I ran away, couldn't stand the heat and too damn stubborn to do something about it and found someone (another employer) to butter me up, make me feel good about myself and left.

Fast forward a year and a half later and I realized my mistake in a BIG way. So, I came crawling back and so graciously was given a second chance. (I think I was given a second chance because I had experience with an agency management system that the agency was going to purchase, so I had something going for me... but regardless, I was lucky to have been welcomed back)
Wouldn't you know it that now, almost a year later I'm being told to SLOW DOWN???????????????

Shoot me!

I mean yes, life is more hectic now that it was back then - I have an infant at home who is like super bad compared to my oldest and just as long of a commute and don't forget the older kid has crap to do like cheerleading and a little social life and is starting to grow things like attitudes, boobs and hormones - of COURSE I'M ON FAST FORWARD and STRESSED!! If I couldn't slow down then, how on EARTH could I do it now? Sigh........ and so began my quick downward spiral into insecurity and defeat again and along with it - mistakes. Little mistakes here and there. Some where because I was trying too hard NOT to make a mistake, others because I just felt defeated and didn't have it in me.

Driving home one evening I decided I was done with the pity party. I was not going to accept my fate that I was too stupid to be an insurance agent and not worthy to work for this agency. I LOVE this agency. I KNOW HOW TO BE AN AGENT! Why are there other working mothers out there who commute and coach cheer and raise a family and household who can do it and I can't? I'm not an idiot. I am not A.D.D. There is no reason why I can't do this, and no reason this is happening to me AGAIN.

I decided to stop thinking and stop defending and just look at myself through my bosses eyes and see what SHE saw wrong with me.

Oh. WOW.

Doing that just changed my life.

I decided to look at myself through her eyes. I literally said 'if I were Jan, looking at ME, what would I see.....' and I realized something:

(I like to use metaphors and analogies - in fact, I've been keeping lists of analogies I use and want to make a book lol.... analogies and metaphors are the only way I can comphrehend things sometimes....)

I learned that when someone asks me to bake and apple pie and gives me a recipe - I end up making a million half-assed pies OTHER than the apple pie and when I do make the apple pie, I've done it incorrectly because I wasn't paying attention. I realized in an effort to be productive and helpful, I do everything BUT what she wants me to do, in hopes offering her something that is useful, or helpful or somehow show her 'look!!!!! look at everything ELSE I can do too!' and when I give her the work she ASKED for, its incomplete, or incorrect. I was truly COUNTER PRODUCTIVE and not helpful at all. How stupid of me! I realize my INTENTION.... but my JOB is to follow instruction and just do as I'm told. I get it now.

So, it isn't my actual pace of speech that needs to slow down (i'm a fast talker too) it's me, trying to be productive and helpful, and get a million things done at once - like I do in all areas of my life - and I rush through things - that's where I need to slow down.

So, I've resolved to focus. Do one thign at a time at work. Not offer to help my co-workers because it isn't what earns brownie points around here - thorough, correct, productive work is. And I should just be ok with that. She has a recipe here and I need to just follow it and do it low and slow.

Doing this led me to want to spy on myself from EVERYONES eyes.
I started with Bailee.....
Oh wow.......

Myself, as a mother, through my own eyes:
~ hard working
~ loving
~ multi-tasking
~ kinda cool.....
~ strict and protective

Myself through the eyes of my daughter:
~ distracted
~ angry
~ tired
~ overweight and unhealthy
~ annoying and 'dorky'
~ edgy and anxious
~ over protective
(I realize she does love me, so I am sure there are nice sentiments in here somewhere....)

Is that what I wanted? Am I projecting the mother I want and am trying so hard to be?

Hardly.

She saw the results of me trying to be everytrhing, not getting to experience everythign I was trying to be. I was the 'mean' cheer coach (eeks.....) I am distracted at home when she is showing me her latest kindle app, or craft she made, I am too fat and clumsy to help her with cheer confidently or sled with her, I ruin the vacation at the beach because I'm constantly reminding her to be careful.

I'm nothing like I am trying so hard to be.

I've resolved to do the dishes after bed time, or only after dinner if everyone is occupied and happily content withouot me (that NEVER HAPPENS, RILEE!!!!!!!!!!!!) I am going to put my phone down more often and engage in conversation and actually watch - with both eyes - when she wants to show me something, no matter what it is. I am going to have more fun if it kills me (which it won't) and I am going to lead a healthier lifestyle and hopefully teach her you CAN be healthy and eat well. I am going to try my best to simplify life once I walk in the door at home and hang up all of my other hats at the door. I only get her, and Rilee, small once in my lifetime and I can't miss opportunites to BE the person I am trying to be.

Then I decided to look at myself through my husbands eyes....... lol........ well....... lets just say..... I realized where I suck.
I make no time for him - because I make time for everything else.
I let myself go - because I gave all my effort to everyone and everything else.
I'm emasculating and mean when I'm stressed out - because I am so stressed out by the overwhelming burden I put on my own shoulders and expect someone to rescue me from, someone like him.

Do I have an excuse for everything? Sure do.
Does it change the fact that he feels left out, emasculated and maybe even disgusted by me? Nope.
There is comprimise to be had between those lines. There is opportunity for communication and work to bridge that gap - I realize I have a lot of work to do.

It makes sense that my brothers say me doing this is kind of self-bashing - and actually the more I thought about it the more angry with myself I became.
I have to PRETEND to look trhough OTHER PEOPLES EYES to finally ADMIT to myself what I have known all along to be MY SHORTCOMINGS!!!!! Why can't I just look at MYSELF and say HEY SELF! YOU SUCK HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE! FIX IT!!!!!!!!!!

But, I cut myself some slack. I realize the majority of us can't even bring ourselves to pretend to look at ourselves through anothers eyes in the first place, so regardless of how I got here, I got here.
And I intend on taking a new direction.

I intend on slowing down. I'm racing to the finish line and that finish line is only made within reach at death.
I have a beautiful journey towards that finish line, and at the moment, I have a whole life ahead of me. I am not going to rush through it, leaving the ones I love in my dust. I'm also not going to wait for some bad news telling me my race is cut short to finally slow down and enjoy the journey.
I'm going to BE the person I am TRYING to be.
I'm gong to learn to simplify.
I am going to ask for help more often and let things go, too.

Maybe this will help.

TIOT: Bang Bang Shrimp (Paleo and Restaurant (somewhat) style)

Leave it to me...... I messed up the meal plan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was a reason - I can't remember why now - OH, the baby.

She likes to get me all flustered and leech onto my leg and throw fits and tantrums and make it literally impossible for me to do ANYTHING, let alone break down chicken wings and stand over a pan of frying grease..... yeah, right. She laughs at my attempts - LAUGHS AT THEM!!!!!!!!! (evil child)

Anyways, she threw a fit of all fits and I just wasn't in the mood to try and battle her and do my recipe.
I've also realized I am going to change the name on Wednesdays to Water Food or Whatever is Left Wednesdays and use that as a leftover day sometimes because I cook for a family of 4... of which 2 of us really only eat, and cooking every evening and having the leftovers pile up is wasteful and not the best management of my time - which I am also trying to do better at.

So, back to TIOT - I ended up making some hot wings, not the Chinese ones but I also made the bang bang shrimp, which would have been a future TIOT, but is being done now instead!

I've never had traditional Bang Bang Shrimp from any of the restaurants that serve it, but I have had what I believe is similar - Rock Shrimp from my local sushi restaurant. Crispy fried shrimp in some amazing slightly spicy sauce.... so good. Well these are great too!

You will need:

(Paleo Bang Bang Shrimp inspired from paleofondue.com recipe for Paleo Bang Bang Shrimp)

1 lb raw, shelled shrimp (any size, but I used medium)
4 tbs EV Coconut oil
deep medium size sauce pan for frying

(for the coating)
1/2 cup arrowroot starch - USE FLOUR FOR "TRADITIONAL" RECIPE AND ADD PANKO
2 tbs garlic powder
2 tsp red pepper flake
2 tsp black pepper
chopped green onion for garnish/taste
 

(for the dressing)
1/2 C mayo
1 tbs sriracha
1 tbs chili garlic paste/sauce
1 tsp rice vinegar (if desired)
1 tsb sweetener (sugar or replacement - I didn't use any)

Here is what to do:

 

Shell your shrimp and set aside.

Combine starch (or flour) and seasonings in bowl

Toss and coat all shrimp in 'breading'

**some will coat once, dip in an egg mixture and coat again - I felt the less coating the better, and they were still crispy and very well flavored, so do as you please here

In the saucepan, melt coconut oil on med-high heat to deep fry the shrimp - I used about as much oil as would cover the shrimp halfway and just flipped them during the frying process, not much oil is really needed

Place shrimp in pan, careful not to overcrowd and fry on each side, about 2 minutes at most, or until crispy and cooked through

 

While frying, combine the mayo, sriracha, chili paste and rice vinegar in a bowl, mix well

 

Place fried shrimp in a bowl and spoon about 2 - 3 tbs of the sauce on top and toss to coat evenly, garnish with green onion (which I forgot and am sad about because it would have been good)

the little fried goodies

sauce (lots of it - so good on EVERYTHING!) and little golden goodies

toss to coat!

drool........

 



Well I hope you enjoy this recipe as much as I did! My daughter didn't try them, but I am sure she would love them as she loves sriracha, and the husband approved (even in the coconut oil and with the starch!)

 

I will be making these OFTEN!